so tired of fighting

I can not believe that I have been married for almost two years now. And we have lived together for three.

I can not believe that during this whole time my husband and I have been fighting.

Since the moment I moved in, we have been fighting. We fight about everything. But mostly we fight about the type of person my husband’s son is and isn’t. It all comes down to the way my husband parents or doesn’t parent.

And I really feel like I just can’t fight anymore.

It is just too much.

I want peace and harmony.

I want happiness.

I still care that my stepson doesn’t do his chores. I still care that my stepson lies and gets away with it. That he buys lunch everyday, even though we are trying to save money and we did, in fact, buy him a lunchpail this year, again. That he disrespects me and doesn’t listen to me.

But what matters the most is the way my husband handles these situations. Or, as usual, DOESN’T HANDLE them.

He always tells me I am overreacting. I am making a mountain out of a mole hill.

In essence, I am the problem.

No matter what happens. I am the problem.

And I don’t want to be the problem anymore.

I like who I am. I know I am a good stepmom. I know that I have the kid’s best interests at heart.  I know that I am not perfect, but I sure as hell try everyday.

WHICH IS MORE THAN I CAN SAY FOR HIS BM.

Isn’t that worth something??

Or do I have to try harder, do better and work harder than she does simply to earn the affection and respect of my husband?

Why is it okay for her to not call my stepson back? Why is it okay for her to not pay child support?

AND SHE STILL GETS TO SEE HIM.

She doesn’t have to hold up her end of the bargain, but I have to go above and beyond ALL THE TIME with no down time. And I am still wrong. If I lay down the law about chores, I am the asshole. If I tell him NO, I am wrong.

WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY?

I just don’t think I can do this. Not anymore.

And what is worse, I imagine our lives with the children my husband and I hope to have one day. And I WILL NOT be the bad guy with them. I will not be the only enforcer. I will not be treated this way with my own children.

And I know, that the problem isn’t my stepson, but my husband.

I will not be disrespected like this forever.

But apparently, now it is still okay to disrespect me because I haven’t left yet. Because I can’t leave.

I love my husband.

I just don’t think I want to live like this anymore. I don’t want to give up on my marriage, but what else can I do?

I find myself looking forward to our marriage counseling sessions because that is the one time everything is so good for us. And right after is good too. But lately, the bad times seem so much worse. And though they are not as often, it still seems to be worse.

I don’t want to give up. I don’t want to leave.

What else can I do?

i hate liars

My stepson and I have come to battle regarding what is really considered a lie.

Technically . . .

if you didn’t speak it – it isn’t a lie

if you didn’t really know what it meant – it isn’t a lie

don’t tell the whole truth – you aren’t really lying

and if all else fails just lie some more; dad will never know.

That is where we are at right now. Dad thinks son is telling the truth and doesn’t {didn’t} really know he was lying. But he wasn’t there. I was. I know my stepson’s face when he is lying. He also says he didn’t know at the time it was a lie, but now he does. Uh, huh. That makes total sense.

I don’t know why I don’t believe him.

Am I just evil?

Am I just trying to get him in trouble? not that he would get punished

Am I trying to make a point?

Could it be that he is 9 years old and can tell the difference between right and wrong; the truth and a lie?

I just know he was lying. His face. His tone. The way he plays the helpless, frustrated son. The way he won’t answer, “Were you lying, yes or no?” All of these are tail-tail signs. To me.

Not to his father.

And that is the only one that counts.

He is doing it more often. It is getting worse.

I need to let it go because what I say and how I feel mean nothing. Only what my husband says mean anything.

So why does it bother me?

I live here too. I have to live with a liar. I don’t want to be a part of raising a liar.

It just doesn’t have to be that way.

insert soap into mouth

Today my stepson had a pretty interesting day.

My stepson lied to his teacher and said “fucker” to some classmates.

Honestly, I never really know what goes on with him even after he explains it.

Issue 1:

His version – Teacher asked how many students wanted breakfast? He raised his hand and went to breakfast. Another kid told the teacher that he already had breakfast. He feels that technically he wasn’t lying because he didn’t say anything.

Ending Version – Teacher asked  how many students needed breakfast? He admitting knowing there was a difference and that he was in fact lying when he raised his hand and went to breakfast. Got caught.

Issue 2:

His version – some kids in centers were working on rhyming and the word was butter – he said fucker. {close, but not quite}

Ending version – never really got it from him; still don’t exactly know what happened. My husband and I think he did it to be funny.

Not too surprising. My previous post is about this very subject.

Tonight he wrote an apology letter to his teacher for lying. And my husband made him put a bar of soap in his mouth for the bad word.

If you ask me, that is good parenting. So a BIG kudos to my hubby for being the bad guy and enforcing the law.  Hopefully the next time he thinks of cussing he will remember the soapy taste.

And the truth, well technically . . .

my stepson is becoming

quite the efficient liar.

It is so sad and what makes it worse is my husband is allowing it.

My stepson has a list of chores he does everymorning and every evening. If he gets them done by a certain time he earns tv and videogames; essentially he decides if he watches tv and/or plays videogames. The last few mornings and evenings he isn’t getting them done. He just tells my husband that they are done. When I bring this up, my husband keeps saying, “I trust him. If he says he did them, then he did.” Okay, I understand that he wants to trust  him. So do I. But he is 9 years old. Someone has to check up on him. Someone has to make sure he doing the stuff he says he is. Someone has to parent him.

Right? Am I crazy? Am I micromanaging? Honestly, please tell me . . .

It is driving me a little batty. Not because he isn’t doing what he is supposed to. Not because he isn’t getting in trouble. But because my stepson is learning how to lie. AND THERE ARE NO CONSEQUENCES. This is so bad. What a horrible lesson to learn and to teach your child. I really don’t think my husband realizes that my stepson is lying about other things, too. He just wants to believe him.

I tell myself just to be quiet. Keep it to myself. Because I know every time I bring it up, I get in trouble. I am the one yelled at. I am the bad guy. So I stay quiet, well, as often as I can.

It just amazes me how well my stepson can use his manipulation powers to wrap my husband around him. It is so easy to use guilt and saddness and frustration to trap him.

His biomom just visited us and spent some time with my stepson and I have seen {occasionally} when my stepson has used that to his advantage. And my husband doesn’t see it or doesn’t want to see it.

Kills me. Absolutely kills me.

The kid gets to stay up later, not do his chores, not get his homework done, have my husband do some of his homework, eat unhealthy snacks – with no reprocussions.

I look at this and it worries me for the future. For my stepson’s future. For my future. For my husband’s future. For all of us living in this home. What is he going to be like when he is a teenage and has all these other life influences and we can’t scare him into being good???

Who can blame him though? There are no boundaries, no real rules. My husband doesn’t enforce the rules we have set for the kid. He has a 50% {or more} chance of getting away with the behavior. Quite frankly, those are good odds. Most of the time I think my husband is going to let him get away with it. I am shocked when he doesn’t. I can’t imagine how my stepson feels.

The problem is my husband doesn’t want to be the bad guy. Who does? It is a choice we make when we have kids. Better they hate me than the police or worse. Better they get in trouble in my house than at someone else’s. At least I do it with love. At least I do with care. At least I am looking out for his best interests.

But it isn’t my choice. It is my husband’s.

Would love some advice ANY ADVICE – other than the one I am giving myself to “Be quiet and let it all play out.” Which seems to work most of the time.

biomom returns

at least for a couple of days.

My husband’s ex-wife came into town for the weekend for a family reunion. She picked up my stepson Friday night around 10 {after we went to a haunted house}.  From what I gathered, my stepson met a lot of people he hadn’t seen in quite awhile and then they slept in a big tent. I think he had a good time.

What I know is he came home in a very bad mood. He was pretty upset. He was angry and mean and being as difficult as possible.

I knew it had to do with his mom so I kept quiet and tried to be as nice as possible.

Finally, he broke. We went in to talk about allowance and he started crying. He got so frustrated.

Shockingly, my husband took control of the situation and got him back to just being sad. He helped rid him of his anger on the surface so he was able to talk about the hurt inside. He cried and told us how much he missed his mom. How he never gets to see her or spend much time with her.  How it would be forever til Thanksgiving when he spends a couple of days with her. He said he didn’t think she missed him or really loved him that much.

I would imagine that her knew baby is taking a lot of the attention away from him. Not to mention all the family in town for the reunion. Didn’t leave much for him.

As a mom {even a new mom} I took over and told him that if she loved him half as much as I loved him, she really, really loves him. And misses him all the time. I told him how much I think of him. How much I miss him. And I live with him. I also told him his mother had told me once how hard it was to talk to him on the phone because of how much it hurt to miss him. {Granted I didn’t think that would keep me from calling him everyday, but I am not her.} I told him that everytime he thought of her, she was thinking of him. I was sure of it.

Poor guy. I feel for him. Must hurt like hell. And it is only beginning.

He is being replaced, sort of, with the new baby and he has to share his mommy time and he has to deal with all the other feelings he would have had anyway.

I could tell he felt better after getting all those feelings out.

But again, this is just the beginning of feeling lost, lonely and left out.

What a long journey he has, we have. Thankfully, we are in it together.

how do you let go our your children

It just came to my realization recently that about the time I feel close to my stepson something happens to quelch the feelings. We have a good couple of days, or weeks where we are really connecting and feeling the bond and then poof chaos, hurt and it all goes away, replaced by hurt and anger.

He acts up. We get into an argument. I do something or say something stupid. He gets in trouble. He goes to his mom’s house. My husband interprets something I did as wrong. Etc.

I feel like I can’t get close to him.

How do you do it?

I asked my husband this question last night because I have become increasingly aware of how hard it seems to be to have an unchaotic week where something doesn’t create animosity. Or where someone isn’t being shown as humilitated – usually me. I constantly put my foot in my mouth. Or where one of us have said something cruel without thinking about it.

 I find this senario is so close to the one we go through when is it time to visit his biomom.

How does my husband let him go three times a year for an extended period of time?

It seems like we just start to gel and then he leaves for his mom’s house. The whole biomom thing is a process in and of itself. About two weeks before he leaves my husband becomes sullen. A week before my son begins the countdown, where the closer we get to the date of him leaving, the more excited and out of control and in trouble he becomes. Then he leaves and my husband become even more depressed, quiet and in his own world. This last year, I really missed the little bugger, but every time I called he was just being a kid- annoying, no time for us, made us repeat everything, etc. I have learned to just make it a very quick call to let him know I am thinking of him. When he comes home it takes over two weeks to get him back into a routine and with a somewhat okay attitude. And the week he gets back is even worse because my husband is so happy to see him he is overbearing and way too much in his face. So all in all it takes a good couple of  months to get back to normal. And we do this three times a year.

It sucks.

And what’s worse my husband has no idea all of this goes on. He has no idea the effect it has on me, him or his son.

I recently figured out how to tell him so that he would understand and not feel offended. He was surprised I felt this way. Which is so odd to me because I am always trying to explain to him how I feel.

It is very similar to how I feel when my niece comes to stay with us. About the time I start to let her in again, she leaves and I don’t see her again for a week or more. I hold her at arms length because I love her so much. Which I am finding hard and harder to do the more time she spends with us.

She is so like me and we lived together for most of the first six years of her life. I know her very well, as she knows me. I get her and she gets me. When I am feeling bad she just knows to give me a hug and vice versa. But she is a child with a really tough home life, so she has learned that out of sight out of mind works really well for problems. So when she leaves she forgets to call me or come visit me. I call her constantly to let her know I miss her. It is almost like she is my own daughter at times. But she isn’t.

It makes me wonder how people become parents and are not hurt all the time. How do you learn to let go? How do you love someone so much and then let them go?

i really don’t like my stepson’s teacher

there I have said it. I admit it.

I just thing there is something wrong with him. I don’t know if he is too friendly or not friendly enough. Too business like or not business enough.

It took him over two months to tell us our kid was failing all but one subject. I think that is kind of important, don’t you? I would have liked to have been informed maybe the first week this had been going on. Then again, this is the first year I told my husband he needed to take part in the whole kid school thing. I have done it since I came on the scene three (now four) years ago.

When I moved in, my stepson was failing and was struggling to even like school. After a few months of us doing his homework together {and I use that phrase ever so lightly} he not only liked school, his teacher said he was a completely different kid. Which was enunciated by another teacher who also had been working with him on reading. They wanted to know whatever he had done keep doing it. The parent teacher conference ended without my husband ever saying one thing about all the work I had done. Ouch. Knowing it was good for my stepson I overlooked it. But it still hurt.

Over the next couple of years, I took a great interest in his school work. So many nights I would go over his homework with him while making dinner. My husband sat in the other room watching tv. When I would mention it, he said he needed to do his work by himself. Which I came to realize meant my husband didn’t want to have to sit in the kitchen and help him at the table. For him, I guess it wasn’t important. Who knows what the reason was? There were times my husband would help with reading out loud. In fact, I would say my husband probably got him over his being scared to mess up reading aloud. One night my husband decided to read the book out loud by sounding out each and every word. It was torture and incredibly funny. The fact is both my stepson and I realized the world would not end if he messed up on a word. Worked like a charm.

So this year, we knew he was having a little trouble talking in class. Not unusual for this kid. We went to curriculum night. The teacher said that he was doing well, we had curbed the talking. It was getting better. Awesome, right? NO!! About two weeks later we get his progress report. All F!!! Except one in PE. Funny that was always the one he was struggling with because he couldn’t focus enough to not get in trouble. I was shocked and apparently so was my husband. I was equally pissed that the teacher let it go this long.

I would have stomped into his office and asked, “What the hell was he thinking waiting this long?” None of his papers in his backpack had bad grades on them. My husband said he would deal with it. Which I had to let go because he had been “handling it” thus far

When my husband got back from the teacher conference he said, “Apparently he won’t do any work in class. He talks to all the people around him. He doesn’t do tests or busy work. He just hasn’t completed much of any work thus far.” Not to mention we were receiving all the papers that were being sent home. Woops. Apparently, my stepson had taken it upon himself to decide which papers to bring home and which to throw away. But kids will be kids.

The teacher refused to send home progress reports everyday. He said fourth grade is for becoming organized not behavior issues. Yes, I hear what you are saying, but should I just move my kid back to third grade because he has behavior problems? Or do you think this teacher could spend two minutes everyday writing us a brief note on “He had a good day” or “He had a tough day”. Something, anything, but his teacher just didn’t have the time.

Uhm, hello it is October. School has been in session since mid August. What the hell has this teacher been waiting for?

So my husband grounded my stepson from everything until his grades got up and he started bringing home his homework everyday along with his planner {homework schedule}. The first week was hell. He was spending all night working on homework and not getting anything done. I would come home and he would be sitting at the dinner table in tears, still working on the same thing he had started over 2 hours ago. My husband was always somewhere else. He kept saying, “He just needs to do his work.” I didn’t want to get in the middle of it. It sucked. I could feel my stepson’s pain and frustration. And my husband, I felt, was being cruel and not understanding what needed to be done.

Clearly, my stepson just needed a little support. There were many nights in the past I would sit in the same room reading, just to let him know I was there for him and he wasn’t working all alone. After a week or so of this, I caved. I got home one day and had had enough. I sat my stuff down and tried to talk him through what was going on. I figured out he could not do any of his work. He simply did not know how to do it. How was this possible? How could my stepson be two months plus into school and not know anything?

Let me take a moment to tell you this is seriously one of the brightest kids I have ever encountered. He is so smart; sometimes smarter than me. He can do anything. And I am not just saying that because he is my stepson. I have heard him say things I don’t think adults could figure out. He is that smart. He just has to want to. That is his downfall. And I fear it always will be.

So we started from the beginning. again. I started walking him through his work. As much as I could without reteaching him stuff I felt he should already know. This can be hard because I didn’t want to change the way he had already been taught things. I think that always complicates things more.

All the while my husband would walk through the kitchen and not say anything. He wasn’t happy or upset. He just didn’t say anything.

I used as many ideas as I could think of. He had forgotten how much fun school is. He had forgotten how good he was at doing this stuff. I got out the timer and timed him on doing math because that way it was a game. I would never give him the answer but rather walk him through the thought process. I kept telling him to take deep breaths and that I believed in him.

It was so painful.

After a week I asked my husband to sit down and help him with it. I couldn’t figure out why he wouldn’t. He said the same thing, “He just needs to do his work.”
One day, I was scrapbooking at the table and my niece was over. We were all working. My stepson was struggling with a problem and out of nowhere my husband came in and sat down and for the next three hours worked with him on his homework. I was awed and happy all at the same time. I knew if I said anything it would break the moment. So I let it pass.

Over the last three weeks we have got my stepson out of a serious depression. When he got grounded and all of his “work” was revealed. He had dug himself a hole so big, he had some serious work to do to get out. He was so upset at times I couldn’t bear it. And at others he was the stepson I know and love.

I know that my husband has his own ways. That is why I love him. It is just funny how life plays out. How we work together, but in our own ways. Being patient and waiting for things to fall together is as good as putting a foot forward and helping things along.

He is back where he should be in his studies and homework is once again a quick and {mostly} painless time. It isn’t over. Not by far. My stepson has a long haul ahead of him. School lasts about 12 years of your life. He is only in fourth grade.

I know I will be dragging his teenage body out of bed to go to highschool and I will be doing what I can do get him to do his work, but in all honestly, it will be up to him. I hope he will realize one day how gifted he is and what a blessing it is to have a gift like that. I never had that gift. I always had to work harder than my friends. I wasn’t the one would read something and it was in my head forever. I had to study for hours to get good grades. So many kids don’t have that. He does.

If he could only choose to use his power for good. LOL

And as for his teacher, well, I would have changed his teacher already, but it is up to my husband and I am learning to let go.

a break though

or what could just be a really great weekend.

We didn’t have the usual issues. For the first time, in a long time, my husband actually took care of things.

He called his son on it when he was being rude. He told him to shape up. He kept him in line. When he picked on my niece, hubby asked him to apologize.

And I was able to let go and just have fun with them both. It felt so good.

It left me with nothing, but good thought and feelings and {finally} the chance to share them with my stepson.

I was able to tell him what a good job he was doing, how proud I was of him and so many other things I never get the chance to say. I found myself waiting for him when he was dottling. Smiling when he smiled at me.

I doubt either one noticed the difference.

It doesn’t really matter.

I still really, really, really appreciated it.

I find it incredibly interesting though, when my hubby disciplines the kid, I want to tell him it is okay and when he doesn’t discipline him, I am pissed off. Am I never happy? Am I hard to please? Or do I just want it both ways. I don’t know.

And today, I don’t care.

Whatever you want to call it. It was good.

Stepmother’s Bill of Rights

this was seen on The Wicked Stepmother’s Blog -

Stepmother’s Bill of Rights  

• Our marriage is our first priority, and we will address all issues together.
• I will be part of the decision-making process in my marriage and family at all times.
• People outside the immediate family – including ex-wives, in-laws and adult children – cannot make plans that affect my life without my consent.
• I will not be responsible for the welfare of children for whom I can set no limits.
• I must be consulted about which children will live with us, when they can visit and how long they will stay.
• I will not be solely responsible for housework; chores will be distributed fairly.
• I will be consulted regarding all family financial matters.
• Others may not violate my private space at home, nor take or use my possessions without my permission.
• I will never be treated as an “outsider” in my own home.
• My husband and stepchildren must treat me with respect.

It is amazing how simple all of these thing seems. So easy for families to take for granted that they do not have these problems. Yet, when you merge one family with another that already had the family roles in place and new roles are created even though we may understand that we are not taking the place of the previous roles, but truly creating new ones, someone is bound to get hurt, feel left out, be walked on, etc.

It is because of this, I feel the rules above are SO very important.

And the first things to be thrown out the window during an issue.

The one my husband and I are currently dealing with is

I WILL NOT BE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE WELFARE OF CHILDREN FOR WHOM I CAN SET NO LIMITS

Time and time again, I try to be a part of the family. I try to be a partner to my husband when it comes to parenting mostly to share the trials and tribulations of parenting because I want him to know I am here for him, but only to be slapped aside and told to shut up. My opinion is not wanted. My thoughts are not needed. He knows how to parent that child. He knows best. I am new to parenting and haven’t taken the classes he chose to take. I should just listen to him and follow his advice exactly otherwise I won’t know what I am doing. I should consult him on things regarding his son before I speak to his son and make sure I am dealing with things correctly. Although he says that is not what he means.

and a rule not listed, that I will add -

I WILL NOT TRY TO CONTROL THE RELATIONSHIP OF STEPMOTHER AND STEPSON

This seems to be the latest in our issues. Or maybe it has just finally come to light and we are able to put words to what is happening.

Everytime my stepson and I interract my husband is immediately coming out of nowhere to referee and tell me what to do and to make sure the kid is okay. Really frustrating. Really difficult. To be quite honest, it just makes things worse. More emtion. More tears. Just one more person to make things more than they should be.

I wish he would just back off. Let me have my relationship with this kid. If we are to have one, whatever the relationship may be, we can not have it with someone hovering. It has to be on our terms. And in our own time. And in our own way.

I tell my husband all the time that he needs to understand his son doesn’t have to like me and I don’t have to like him. I married my husband, the kid came with him. It is a lot to ask of two people who have to share the one person they love with someone else they don’t know; they just feel is taking that other person away from them.

Thankfully, I truly believe my stepson not only likes me, but loves me. And I do as well.

Somedays though our love is so much tougher to come by. We don’t have unconditional love. Step love is definitely conditional. And that is okay too.

It just takes time.

I am a Stepmomster

I have been married almost two years now and most of it has been warfare.

We argue. We disagree. We fight. I yell. He runs. I cry. He stews.

And we all suffer.

Alone.

Wait!!! Hold the phone – that is not right.

I suffer alone.

I am alone.

My husband and son have each other.

I am the enemy.

I am the stepmomster.

Welcome to my blog.

Sometimes I will say things that make you laugh. Sometimes I will say things that will only make me laugh. Sometimes I will say things that will make you want to call the authorities. Don’t worry, I probably already have.

I am becoming a monster one stepson at a time . . .