this was seen on The Wicked Stepmother’s Blog -
Stepmother’s Bill of Rights
- Our marriage is our first priority, and we will address all issues together.
- I will be part of the decision-making process in my marriage and family at all times.
- People outside the immediate family – including ex-wives, in-laws and adult children – cannot make plans that affect my life without my consent.
- I will not be responsible for the welfare of children for whom I can set no limits.
- I must be consulted about which children will live with us, when they can visit and how long they will stay.
- I will not be solely responsible for housework; chores will be distributed fairly.
- I will be consulted regarding all family financial matters.
- Others may not violate my private space at home, nor take or use my possessions without my permission.
- I will never be treated as an “outsider” in my own home.
- My husband and stepchildren must treat me with respect.
It is amazing how simple all of these thing seems. So easy for families to take for granted that they do not have these problems. Yet, when you merge one family with another that already had the family roles in place and new roles are created even though we may understand that we are not taking the place of the previous roles, but truly creating new ones, someone is bound to get hurt, feel left out, be walked on, etc.
It is because of this, I feel the rules above are SO very important.
And the first things to be thrown out the window during an issue.
The one my husband and I are currently dealing with is
I WILL NOT BE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE WELFARE OF CHILDREN FOR WHOM I CAN SET NO LIMITS
Time and time again, I try to be a part of the family. I try to be a partner to my husband when it comes to parenting mostly to share the trials and tribulations of parenting because I want him to know I am here for him, but only to be slapped aside and told to shut up. My opinion is not wanted. My thoughts are not needed. He knows how to parent that child. He knows best. I am new to parenting and haven’t taken the classes he chose to take. I should just listen to him and follow his advice exactly otherwise I won’t know what I am doing. I should consult him on things regarding his son before I speak to his son and make sure I am dealing with things correctly. Although he says that is not what he means.
and a rule not listed, that I will add -
I WILL NOT TRY TO CONTROL THE RELATIONSHIP OF STEPMOTHER AND STEPSON
This seems to be the latest in our issues. Or maybe it has just finally come to light and we are able to put words to what is happening.
Everytime my stepson and I interract my husband is immediately coming out of nowhere to referee and tell me what to do and to make sure the kid is okay. Really frustrating. Really difficult. To be quite honest, it just makes things worse. More emtion. More tears. Just one more person to make things more than they should be.
I wish he would just back off. Let me have my relationship with this kid. If we are to have one, whatever the relationship may be, we can not have it with someone hovering. It has to be on our terms. And in our own time. And in our own way.
I tell my husband all the time that he needs to understand his son doesn’t have to like me and I don’t have to like him. I married my husband, the kid came with him. It is a lot to ask of two people who have to share the one person they love with someone else they don’t know; they just feel is taking that other person away from them.
Thankfully, I truly believe my stepson not only likes me, but loves me. And I do as well.
Somedays though our love is so much tougher to come by. We don’t have unconditional love. Step love is definitely conditional. And that is okay too.
It just takes time.
3 comments
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June 12, 2008 at 2:19 pm
Rosa
Thank you for sharing yourself with others. I too am a stepmom, I too love my husband very much and his kids. I was surprise to find the Bill of Rights for Stepmoms; it must have been drawn up by a stepmom, because every point mentioned was dead on. My step daughters ar 19 and 12. I truly feel like the outsider in my home, I am the cleaning lady, taxi driver, laundry person, I am the garbage person, housework and chores are my nicknames. I’m so, so tried. I’ve spoken to my husband about how I feel, and ever time the subject comes up, I’m told don’t worry, I’ll take care of the girls. Well I am worried, I’m not eating, sleeping and having a hard time just getting up in the mornings. I honestly pray that I have a break down and end up in a hospital. how sick is that. Even sicker . . I leave the house at 7am get to work at 8am and sleep in my car til 9am just to catch up on sleep and relax. I relax in my car instead of my home. I starting to think and feel like I don’t have a home. It’s a place I spend time cleaning and begging the girls for their help. Since my husband and I last so call discussion I have told myself it’s not worth it. My physical and metal health is much more important to me so I’ve decided the best thing would be to “do as they do” my way of thinking right now is . . if they don’t give a damn why should I.
I hope this attitude will help me overcome these feelings within me (not good ones) and if not well so be it. . . I’ll just . . . there are days I wish I had the guts to actual do it and not only thing about it.
I want to thank you it is a little more comforting knowing there are step children who do repect their stepmom.
Thanks once again.
Rosa
June 4, 2009 at 11:01 pm
lenny
Thank you so so much for this. It is very comforting for me to read. I feel very isolated by being a step mother in a horribly complicated situation.
I knew all those years ago that it would be ridiculously difficult, but I have to say that I had no idea that it would be quite this hard.
Like most things in life there are good days and bad days. Tonight is particularly low for me though.
14 years on now and it doesn’t get any easier. If there is any young girl that happens to read this who may be about to become a step mum – I cannot tell you how much pain is involved in these situations……… I would urge you to run in the opposite direction, you are bound for a life of sadness if you don’t.
The step mother is hated by everyone in society it seems.
July 13, 2009 at 6:51 am
B
I have been a step mother for over a year now, and no matter how much I cry, complain, lock myself away, or feel like I’m fighting a losing battle, it’s never ending. It’s always the same old discussion, with no new developments. I’m treated as an outsider every single weekend that we have my stepson. I feel neglected and treated unfairly. My life is constantly dictated by my In Laws and the BM. Nothing is ever discussed with me, before it being set in stone. I must heed to the rules and regulations, because they were in fact there before me, and will be after me. Other than caring for the child, having his best interest in mind, setting aside my life to parent another woman’s child ( and doing a find job at it) I should just sit down, shut up and realize that it is not my place to complain, regulate, or expect to have any say in my life. I have no say in when the child can come visit. I have no say in what happens during the weekends, and we are cut off from any kind of social activity, or a marriage outside of his son. I understand that I married a man with a child, but I was so sure that once we were married, he would keep his promise that he also understood that he was taking on a wife. It doesn’t matter if I’m sick, sad, frustrated, worn out, or just want some quiet time to myself, if I say anything about it, I’m horrible and I have to fear my husband taking that as if I do not care about him or his son, and eventually leaving me.
There are times that I just want to tell him to go and live with his parents, or go back to his ex. This has actually been said by myself in a few arguments. HE never listens or sees my point of view. He just gets to defensive when it comes to everyone else, but when it comes to me, I just have to withstand the pressure, anxiety, guilt trips and lack of respect for what I do.
The child obviously cares for me, and we have a good relationship, as I love the child. But, my husband can not understand that I am not the biological mother of the child, and the expectations of me should not be greater than hers. If she needs money, she gets a loan from my in laws. If we are behind on a bill, we are terrible children that get yelled at by his parents and told off everytime we turn around. they mostly tell him these things, and then his attitude is different towards me. I can tell when his parents have spoken poorly of me. I have done all I can do for my husband and his child, and so has my family. AT this point, I feel like just walking away, and never looking back.