It just came to my realization recently that about the time I feel close to my stepson something happens to quelch the feelings. We have a good couple of days, or weeks where we are really connecting and feeling the bond and then poof chaos, hurt and it all goes away, replaced by hurt and anger.

He acts up. We get into an argument. I do something or say something stupid. He gets in trouble. He goes to his mom’s house. My husband interprets something I did as wrong. Etc.

I feel like I can’t get close to him.

How do you do it?

I asked my husband this question last night because I have become increasingly aware of how hard it seems to be to have an unchaotic week where something doesn’t create animosity. Or where someone isn’t being shown as humilitated – usually me. I constantly put my foot in my mouth. Or where one of us have said something cruel without thinking about it.

 I find this senario is so close to the one we go through when is it time to visit his biomom.

How does my husband let him go three times a year for an extended period of time?

It seems like we just start to gel and then he leaves for his mom’s house. The whole biomom thing is a process in and of itself. About two weeks before he leaves my husband becomes sullen. A week before my son begins the countdown, where the closer we get to the date of him leaving, the more excited and out of control and in trouble he becomes. Then he leaves and my husband become even more depressed, quiet and in his own world. This last year, I really missed the little bugger, but every time I called he was just being a kid- annoying, no time for us, made us repeat everything, etc. I have learned to just make it a very quick call to let him know I am thinking of him. When he comes home it takes over two weeks to get him back into a routine and with a somewhat okay attitude. And the week he gets back is even worse because my husband is so happy to see him he is overbearing and way too much in his face. So all in all it takes a good couple of  months to get back to normal. And we do this three times a year.

It sucks.

And what’s worse my husband has no idea all of this goes on. He has no idea the effect it has on me, him or his son.

I recently figured out how to tell him so that he would understand and not feel offended. He was surprised I felt this way. Which is so odd to me because I am always trying to explain to him how I feel.

It is very similar to how I feel when my niece comes to stay with us. About the time I start to let her in again, she leaves and I don’t see her again for a week or more. I hold her at arms length because I love her so much. Which I am finding hard and harder to do the more time she spends with us.

She is so like me and we lived together for most of the first six years of her life. I know her very well, as she knows me. I get her and she gets me. When I am feeling bad she just knows to give me a hug and vice versa. But she is a child with a really tough home life, so she has learned that out of sight out of mind works really well for problems. So when she leaves she forgets to call me or come visit me. I call her constantly to let her know I miss her. It is almost like she is my own daughter at times. But she isn’t.

It makes me wonder how people become parents and are not hurt all the time. How do you learn to let go? How do you love someone so much and then let them go?