I can not believe that I have been married for almost two years now. And we have lived together for three.
I can not believe that during this whole time my husband and I have been fighting.
Since the moment I moved in, we have been fighting. We fight about everything. But mostly we fight about the type of person my husband’s son is and isn’t. It all comes down to the way my husband parents or doesn’t parent.
And I really feel like I just can’t fight anymore.
It is just too much.
I want peace and harmony.
I want happiness.
I still care that my stepson doesn’t do his chores. I still care that my stepson lies and gets away with it. That he buys lunch everyday, even though we are trying to save money and we did, in fact, buy him a lunchpail this year, again. That he disrespects me and doesn’t listen to me.
But what matters the most is the way my husband handles these situations. Or, as usual, DOESN’T HANDLE them.
He always tells me I am overreacting. I am making a mountain out of a mole hill.
In essence, I am the problem.
No matter what happens. I am the problem.
And I don’t want to be the problem anymore.
I like who I am. I know I am a good stepmom. I know that I have the kid’s best interests at heart. I know that I am not perfect, but I sure as hell try everyday.
WHICH IS MORE THAN I CAN SAY FOR HIS BM.
Isn’t that worth something??
Or do I have to try harder, do better and work harder than she does simply to earn the affection and respect of my husband?
Why is it okay for her to not call my stepson back? Why is it okay for her to not pay child support?
AND SHE STILL GETS TO SEE HIM.
She doesn’t have to hold up her end of the bargain, but I have to go above and beyond ALL THE TIME with no down time. And I am still wrong. If I lay down the law about chores, I am the asshole. If I tell him NO, I am wrong.
WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY?
I just don’t think I can do this. Not anymore.
And what is worse, I imagine our lives with the children my husband and I hope to have one day. And I WILL NOT be the bad guy with them. I will not be the only enforcer. I will not be treated this way with my own children.
And I know, that the problem isn’t my stepson, but my husband.
I will not be disrespected like this forever.
But apparently, now it is still okay to disrespect me because I haven’t left yet. Because I can’t leave.
I love my husband.
I just don’t think I want to live like this anymore. I don’t want to give up on my marriage, but what else can I do?
I find myself looking forward to our marriage counseling sessions because that is the one time everything is so good for us. And right after is good too. But lately, the bad times seem so much worse. And though they are not as often, it still seems to be worse.
I don’t want to give up. I don’t want to leave.
What else can I do?
3 comments
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January 16, 2008 at 11:46 pm
Howard MacKinnon
Thanks for your wonderful insight, as with any form of life changing events we should always study and look for the right solutions and follow our hearts… and it is never to late to say “I am sorry” for anything! Healing takes time, but worth it when you can forgive others.
Thanks again,
Howard
March 23, 2008 at 1:42 pm
Royal Blends
You are very right at your place, mam.
its time to see the other side, and help yourself to attain the state of peace and pleasure by carving your own niche at your place and your own heart. retain your dignity. you r a very loving woman.
i am a 21 yr old girl and i would like tell you certain facts already known to you.
a] Understand the psychology of your stepson:
When a person, gets habituated to freedom and indifference of parents towards his misdeeds , mainly cos the parents are busy with their mutual differences; that person begins enjoying the negligence. he begins to think, he can get away with anything without anybody’s knowledge. he believes that even if his violation of any kind of social conduct will be exposed, his real parents will never bother him, cos in this case:
1]the dad is quite indifferent
[ the reason pertaining to his lack of interest and leaving the job of child handling to his spouse, earlier his first wife and then you.
PS: the child knows this reason and is taking advantage of the precarious situation, landing you in a predicament. dont get confused while handling such a child. dont get angry on his father or him for being unjust to you, it will only make the things worse. just be yourself, dont take interest in the child as a mother, be his friend. dont comply to him like a servile parent, rather handle him like an equal, so that when the time comes you can ask him to settle down himself]
2] His real mother is quite away from him, so whenever she wd get to meet him, she wd shower only love
[ Reason : she gets to meet him very less as compared to the normal beautiful life scenario, when she gets to see her son everyday and she is bringing him up rather than starting her own different life and letting others to rear her child.
she has given birth to him and she is as much connected to him as you r with your husband + her love is unconditional for her son. it was just that her marriage couldnt work out and she had to part away with her son as unfortunately her husband was more potent to bring up the child]
[PS: the child knows this weakness of his other parent as well. now dont get angry on him and his mother.]
Considering the above two cases of acute negligence and his enjoyment to remain philistine, unkempt & uncultured weird street lad, he hates being monitored and lectured by somebody who is not his real parent, somebody who he thinks he is not answerable to, i. e, you ; however hard you try to straighten and smoothen your wrinkled life out.
For now, just remember to be the child’s friend, not his conventional mother. dont give him any respect, dont scold him, just talk to him, like you talk to your friend, very plain and simple talks without letting him know that you hate his actions or you get agitated when he wastes the hard-earned money. When he becomes a little bit comfortable with you, take him to the kitchen and make it a joy ride when you experiment with your food, this will help to omit the differences between you and him. and he would realize that , it takes money to buy raw materials to make food, and lots of efforts to make food. this way you can discuss with him that, there is financial problem at home, and ask for his advice, just like u discuss with your close pals. he would feel that he has grown up and he is a responsible person in the house that his advice counts. he would feel sorry for his negligence hitherto and would help you and love you more than he ever did.
b] regarding the problem with your husband:
i reckon your problem with your husband is based upon your tiff with your stepson, therefore, this will get diminished soon as and when u hav handled your stepson and you all will be happy again.
you gotto work very hard upon it. use your wits and skills. control your temper. everything will be alright soon.
November 21, 2008 at 2:54 pm
debbie
I think he’s being COMPLETELY unreasonable. However I am angry with mine right now. You HAVE to go to counseling to save (or decide you’d be better off without) your marriage.