excerpt from Becoming A Stepmom Aug 2008 Newsletter -

I {Jacquelyn Fletcher} asked Laura Ruby, author of I Am Not Julia Roberts (lauraruby.com) to answer some questions about her experience of becoming a stepmom.

1. What is your greatest challenge as a stepmom?

I think it is the general lack of control. I’m a custodial stepmom and my husband’s two girls live with us, so I am responsible for all the day-to-day stuff that happens with kids – meals, lessons, doctor’s appointments, help with homework, discipline, etc. Yet, I didn’t choose this house, the neighborhood we live in, the schools they attend, the doctors they visit, etc. I do have an influence, but it’s not the same. I liken the job of a stepmom to an adjunct faculty member at a college: You have all the same responsibilities as a professor, but without the respect or benefits.

I want to just stand back in shock and stare at this particular answer. It is like she spoke from my own mind. Only she said it so much better than I ever could. I want to print a copy and stick it to my F-N fridge.

She gets me.

I have tried so many times to explain to my husband how hard it is to be a stepmom. The toll it takes physically and emtionally. He thinks since we have been together for a few years so I should just be used to it. There should be any issues. WTF??? My husband lives in LaLa Land. Seriously.

When I moved in, my husband got a second income, a maid, a wife, a cook, a caregiver – among so many other things.

When I moved in, I got my first child {already at the age where he argues}, triple the amount of housework, cooking, cleaning, bills, responsibility.

And he expects that I have already adjusted to all this?!?

Let me clairfy another thing.

My stepson didn’t fall in love with me. I didn’t fall in love with my stepson. My husband and I fell in love. The kid and I were thrown together when I moved in. We do not have to like each other.

I know I am the adult, but that doesn’t mean I can keep a constant smile on my face and tell him I love him. I am still human. I get angry. I get frustrated. I get sad. When that happens, I go to my husband (if possible) and tell him what is going on and then I ask him to take some sort of action with my stepson because this is what my husband has asked me to do. I even go so far as to offer up a fitting punishment, just in case he wants my imput. Apparently, he doesn’t. In the end, I am the asshole. I handled the situation wrong. I brought my husband into the middle of the situation.

DAMNED IF I DO AND DAMNED IF I DON’T {definitely need shirt with that quote}

I work all day long. I come home and cook dinner. Most nights, I also do the dishes. I help with homework and school activities. I do the laundry because that is the one thing my husband would love for someone else to do for him. {sorry, I don’t mean to cackle so loud. I just resent that. who wouldn’t like to choose one thing in life for someone else to handle all the time? hey, how about you help raise my kid, share your money, get stepped on and then call it a day. isn’t that enough?} Every {sorry did you miss that? EVERY} Sunday, we are expected to go to his parent’s house for Sunday dinner. Did I mention that my only day off is Sunday? Not bitter, no. I also, do the grocery shopping, straighten the house every night and morning, look after the dogs {which aren’t mine, but who would go hungry most days without me}. I do the gift thinking, buying, wrapping, card shopping and make everyone sign the damn thing – for BOTH his and my family. I schedule hair cuts, doctor appointments, teeth cleanings AND I write them on a calendar that is kept on the fridge AND I remind my husband about the appointments. I know I am leaving a ton out here.

Seriously people, I would love to have a wife of my own someday. {just kidding, well, sort of} How about a secretary?

And you know what I get most days for doing ALL that EVERY day?

A nice grunt at dinner. Possibly a thank you. My husband and stepson’s quick exit after eating a meal. Comments like, “But I don’t like cassaroles, tomatoes, mushrooms.” Or, “You didn’t get the soap I need.” Or, “What do you mean you don’t want to go to Sunday dinner?” Or, “We don’t have money for YOUR vacation.”

And my all time favorite , “YOU DID IT WRONG.”

So yes, I completely and utterly resemble Laura Ruby’s answer.

Was that too bitchy?