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I am totally the coolest stepmom around!! And I am not afraid to say it!
Not only did I get the one gift that my stepson wanted this year, but I dragged my husband in my stepson’s room to clean it. Seriously, I cleaned my stepson’s room this evening. Without any reason. And it wasn’t the first time – or the last.
Have to admit, one of the top things on my list of “Things I Don’t Want to Do, but Do Anyway” list would have to be cleaning someone else’s room. I just feel for the kid. Not only can he not find any pants, but he is walking around in a jacket at least two sizes too small simply because he can’t find any pants and he left his new jacket at school. Uhm, hello. Need to figure this one out. It took hubby and I about ten minutes to straighten the room. Then we set the timer so that stepson could finish the job. Needless to say he needed about 40 minutes just to finish the job. But he did a good job. And I know how endless a filthy room can seem.
Loving the stepmom thing since I got back. We have had a few minor issues, but all in all he has been really good to me. Hugs and kisses all around. Yeah!! And anytime I feel he is being disrespectful, a quick “hey you don’t need to be rude” (or something to that effect) seems to work wonders. Whew. Big weight off my shoulders. I am glad that he likes having me around. And I am really glad I like having him around.
Every year my stepson visits his biomom about 3 times a year – 5 weeks during the summer, 1 week during Thanksgiving and 1 week around the New Year. This year we have yet to receive the call that she is sending him up to visit her. And though it is not unusual for her to rarely call, this is not right. It is less than a week before he should be going to her house and we haven’t heard a thing.
About 6 months ago, my stepson’s biomom had her 2nd kid with her new husband. The last couple of visits were very hard for my stepson because she has less time for him than before and apparently much less love too. Ever since she had her son she has been calling asking for us to reduce the child support payments. Which I find absurd because she hasn’t paid us more than a few payments in five years anyhow. I told my husband that as soon as she starts paying the child support we should consider reducing it. But my husband doesn’t like to push the issue. So by not doing anything, she got what she wanted. Not only are they reduced payments, they are non-existent.
Finally, this year, my husband put his foot down (a little) and asked her to pay for the complete trips to and from her house, since she isn’t paying child support. Normally we split the costs. Apparently, she can’t afford to pay for her son to fly out to see her either because she has yet to call with arrangements for him to come for after Christmas. ARG!!!
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH HER???? Seriously, how can you just do that to your own flesh and blood? He is only 9 years old for pitys sake. Not that age has anything to do with it. It’s just horrible. When my stepson goes to visit his biomom I want to call him everyday. I really couldn’t imagine going months without talking to him or seeing him.
On the bright side, it will be REALLY nice to spend the entire holiday with my stepson. Normally Christmas comes and the next day he is off to her house. Kind of shortens the holiday for me.
But I ache for my stepson. How it must hurt. I can’t even imagine.
So I moved back in to my husband and my house last night, officially. At one point my stepson and I were walking into the house together and I asked some questions.
Me: Are you concerned about me moving back in?
SS: Nope
Me: Are you worried about your dad and I fighting again?
SS: Nope
Me: Are you scared I will be mean again?
SS: Nope
I stopped short and just was flabbergasted. How could he be so sure? I wasn’t.
He stopped and gave me a big hug.
He amazes me.
Why do I feel like such an ass for asking for what I want. For wanting to be happy. For not settling and living life as if it doesn’t matter.
To be more specific. I was planning on moving back in this weekend. Back to my house with my husband and stepson.
Hubby and I are doing better than great. We are truly in love again. Feeling the constant, wonderful, giggly love. He has been there for me this week to the point I am shocked and pleasantly surprised. He has gone the distance for our relationship.
But when it comes to being a dad he stops short. It comes back to the feeling that, “I love my husband, but can’t seem to love the father in him.” This is a horrible thing to say. I feel really bad about it. But it is true.
He is trying. I have to say this. I know he is trying. I can see it. But it has been too long that my stepson has been the controller of the situation. My stepson knows his will is mightier than my husbands. And each time he wins, it is reinforced that he is the winner.
My stepson is the ultimate in manipulation. He is incredibly smart. He is incredibly intuitive. He really is a great kid. But he has been stuck in a position for so long that just by needing to survive he has learned how to divide and conquer.
I realize he is a child. I know that he does not realize the long term ramifications of his actions. He is a child. It is about instant gratification. Their worlds are so small.
He may not realize that by being difficult, rude, stand-offish that he is making it hard for me to like him; to want to be around him. I love my stepson, but sometimes I don’t really like him. He doesn’t know when enough is enough. And I know that kids are kids and they will never be perfect. I know this, but I also know his tone of voice and behavior lately has crossed the line of being unbearable. But that is not his fault. It is because no one has taught him when he has crossed the line.
His biomom pretty much lets him handle himself. Kind of an out of sight out of mind parenting.
His dad has done a wonderful job raising this kid all by himself. He had to deal with the weekend mom: when he would go visit his mom and she would let him sleep in her bed, no school, no rules, no real structure. Then he would come home and have to deal with his own room, his own chores, school, structure and some semblance of order. And my husband had to deal with all the strange feelings my stepson was experiencing as well as his own. I can’t even begin to imagine what that was like.
They both survived by rolling into themselves and not relying on anyone.
When my stepson reached 1st grade his attitude and demenor started changing. From my point of view, that is when he needed some structure and boundries placed up for him to bounce around in. And that is when all the real emotional problems began to appear. He started to act out in school, gaining attention. When he got home the main attention he got was negative due to his behavior. This has continued to get progressively worse since then. My husband and I seemed to have this under control through 2nd and 3rd grade, but as of this year it has completely run amok.
I really do love my stepson. I know that he is a good kid. I know that he is the most creative person I have ever encountered. I love his energy and charisma. I wish I could bottle it. He always says the most profound things and sometimes the most logical, all of which are incredibly funny. He loves with all his heart and he wears his heart on his sleeve.
I know that my being gone these last couple of months has been very hard on him. I realized after being gone a week or so how hard it was to see my stepson. How I didn’t want to be around him because I was afraid I would get too close and if my husband and I didn’t make it, I would be crushed losing them both. I am sure he is feeling a bit of that right now. Every woman in his life has left him thus far. He is scared.
Not to mention, I am the rules lady. I like boundaries, structure and routine. He knows that about me. If I move back in, he probably feels the fun is over.
And seeing both, his dad and I together so incredibly happy he is probably a little jealous and so scared that I may take him away. His fate is completely unknown. He must be so scared. And he is acting out to tell us he feels like everyone around here is messed up and he doesn’t know how to deal with it.
I want to move back in. I miss both of them. I want to be near my husband. I have never wanted to be near him more than right now. He is truly the partner I have wanted and waited for. All wrapped up in a wonderfully handsome, dimple cheeked and fun guy package.
But I really don’t know if I want live in our house with my stepson acting the way he is. I don’t want to be a prisoner in my own home. I don’t want to feel like avoiding my stepson because of the rude behavior he has shown. I don’t want to feel like not talking to him simply to keep the peace. I don’t want to be challenged every time I turn around. And all of this will only make it harder for my husband and I to work on our marriage which is still struggling.
My stepson needs structure, boundaries and rules that are enforced on a constant basis. I know that after a very short time my stepson will realize the right path. He is so smart. And he just wants love and attention. I don’t think my husband has to be mean, just get his attention. The few times I have been with them, I just bend over and look my stepson right in the eyes and say in a very firm tone, “Hey listen for a minute. Okay?” He always gives me this look of shock, taken aback that someone has spoken to him that way. It throws him to know that there is someone is his life who will not let him get away with anything.
I wonder what would happen if his father did that?
My husband and stepson took me out for a “spontaneous date”. When hubby picked me up he confessed that because it was a family outing he let his son decide where we would go. Now there aren’t too many choices he would choose. On the way there, I guessed. Although not after I asked my stepson if it was Disneyland. Disneyworld? No. And after the funning – I guessed right. You guessed it, Chuck E. Cheese. I can never get enough of their cardboard pizza and way over priced games. Seriously, though you can never beat an evening of fun with the whole damn family.
For $40 you get a large pepperoni pizza, 4 drinks (we only needed 3) and 100 tokens.
I am a total sucker for the basketball games and the air hockey. I am really pretty good at both of these. The others I kind of suck at. And some I really don’t understand. What’s with the fishing game? How fun is it to push a button, see the magnet fall down and catch a fish then win a ticket? Or the ones that are broken and kids continually put in tokens try and see if it will work even when it didn’t when they put the token in two seconds ago. But we played them all. The fireman game was kind of weird. You point a hose at the screen and then put out the fire. Hmmm. I just don’t understand boy games. Like the zombie game where you run around and kill zombies, shooting off all their limbs.
While playing air hockey, my son actually performed a feet never seen before. He was able to score against himself for six whole points. Six points!! I didn’t even really get to play because he kept scoring against himself. I was laughing so hard I thought I was going to cry. He was laughing too until he realized the game only went to 7 points. I thought I was the only one who scored against themselves. Never say never.
My husband is really good at the games where you try to stop the light on a number and that number is how many tickets you win. He won 71 tickets. Wow. Truly amazing . . . for Chuck E. Cheese that is. LOL
I really thought that my stepson would run through all those tokens pretty fast, but in the end we just tried to use them up – we had so many.
I love the irony in paying 25cents for tokens that only gets you a penny’s worth of prizes. Sometimes I think we should go to Walmart and buy McDonald’s then walk around the store buying little crap gifts just like toys you win. But where’s the fun in that???
For about 220 tickets, we got plastic vampire teeth, some tops/spinners, three rings, some plastic stick bugs, and some other stuff I can’t remember.
And before we left, my husband bought two more packages of cotton candy. This after we all ate a bag during dinner. Uhg. Another conundrum. It is like eating hair. Really soft, sweet, melt in your mouth hair. My husband and stepson just love the stuff.
All in all though, I really had a great time. I had so much fun, I was pooped when we got back. We all just laid around and watched a movie – Die Harder with Bruce Willis.
