Why do I feel like such an ass for asking for what I want. For wanting to be happy. For not settling and living life as if it doesn’t matter.

To be more specific. I was planning on moving back in this weekend. Back to my house with my husband and stepson.

Hubby and I are doing better than great. We are truly in love again. Feeling the constant, wonderful, giggly love. He has been there for me this week to the point I am shocked and pleasantly surprised. He has gone the distance for our relationship.

But when it comes to being a dad he stops short. It comes back to the feeling that, “I love my husband, but can’t seem to love the father in him.” This is a horrible thing to say. I feel really bad about it. But it is true.

He is trying. I have to say this. I know he is trying. I can see it. But it has been too long that my stepson has been the controller of the situation. My stepson knows his will is mightier than my husbands. And each time he wins, it is reinforced that he is the winner.

My stepson is the ultimate in manipulation. He is incredibly smart. He is incredibly intuitive. He really is a great kid. But he has been stuck in a position for so long that just by needing to survive he has learned how to divide and conquer.

I realize he is a child. I know that he does not realize the long term ramifications of his actions. He is a child. It is about instant gratification. Their worlds are so small.

He may not realize that by being difficult, rude, stand-offish that he is making it hard for me to like him; to want to be around him. I love my stepson, but sometimes I don’t really like him. He doesn’t know when enough is enough. And I know that kids are kids and they will never be perfect. I know this, but I also know his tone of voice and behavior lately has crossed the line of being unbearable. But that is not his fault. It is because no one has taught him when he has crossed the line.

His biomom pretty much lets him handle himself. Kind of an out of sight out of mind parenting.

His dad has done a wonderful job raising this kid all by himself. He had to deal with the weekend mom: when he would go visit his mom and she would let him sleep in her bed, no school, no rules, no real structure. Then he would come home and have to deal with his own room, his own chores, school, structure and some semblance of order. And my husband had to deal with all the strange feelings my stepson was experiencing as well as his own. I can’t even begin to imagine what that was like.

They both survived by rolling into themselves and not relying on anyone.

When my stepson reached 1st grade his attitude and demenor started changing. From my point of view, that is when he needed some structure and boundries placed up for him to bounce around in. And that is when all the real emotional problems began to appear. He started to act out in school, gaining attention. When he got home the main attention he got was negative due to his behavior. This has continued to get progressively worse since then. My husband and I seemed to have this under control through 2nd and 3rd grade, but as of this year it has completely run amok.

I really do love my stepson. I know that he is a good kid. I know that he is the most creative person I have ever encountered. I love his energy and charisma. I wish I could bottle it. He always says the most profound things and sometimes the most logical, all of which are incredibly funny. He loves with all his heart and he wears his heart on his sleeve.

I know that my being gone these last couple of months has been very hard on him. I realized after being gone a week or so how hard it was to see my stepson. How I didn’t want to be around him because I was afraid I would get too close and if my husband and I didn’t make it, I would be crushed losing them both. I am sure he is feeling a bit of that right now. Every woman in his life has left him thus far. He is scared.

Not to mention, I am the rules lady. I like boundaries, structure and routine. He knows that about me. If I move back in, he probably feels the fun is over.

And seeing both, his dad and I together so incredibly happy he is probably a little jealous and so scared that I may take him away. His fate is completely unknown. He must be so scared. And he is acting out to tell us he feels like everyone around here is messed up and he doesn’t know how to deal with it.

I want to move back in. I miss both of them. I want to be near my husband. I have never wanted to be near him more than right now. He is truly the partner I have wanted and waited for. All wrapped up in a wonderfully handsome, dimple cheeked and fun guy package.

But I really don’t know if I want live in our house with my stepson acting the way he is. I don’t want to be a prisoner in my own home. I don’t want to feel like avoiding my stepson because of the rude behavior he has shown. I don’t want to feel like not talking to him simply to keep the peace. I don’t want to be challenged every time I turn around. And all of this will only make it harder for my husband and I to work on our marriage which is still struggling.

My stepson needs structure, boundaries and rules that are enforced on a constant basis. I know that after a very short time my stepson will realize the right path. He is so smart. And he just wants love and attention. I don’t think my husband has to be mean, just get his attention. The few times I have been with them, I just bend over and look my stepson right in the eyes and say in a very firm tone, “Hey listen for a minute. Okay?” He always gives me this look of shock, taken aback that someone has spoken to him that way. It throws him to  know that there is someone is his life who will not let him get away with anything.

I wonder what would happen if his father did that?