You are currently browsing the monthly archive for January, 2008.
Nosy. I’m so nosy.
Figured out why I like blogging so much. Because I am nosy and blogging fills that passion. I get to go through other people’s mail, peek into their lives and get a good gossipy glimpse without having to talk on the phone or in person. Seriously if I come over to your house and start going through your cupboards, it isn’t because I am looking for financial info, just wanting to see what your life is like. Blogging lets me do this.
People talk about their families, dinners, organizing, work, sex, hobbies, weather - you name it and you can find it on a blog. People talk about how they feel about celebrities, techno gadgets, life strategies, favorite slogans and sayings.
I like people most days. I don’t really chit chat. I am not good with names or specifics, but I remember the stories. The real gory, incredible detailed, on the edge of my seat stories. I don’t have to stand and talk to them and wonder where the conversation is going. And there are millions of blogs to choose from. It is almost more exciting that my own life. lol
It is like reading a book online, for free. And the bonus is you kindof get to know these people. It becomes like a club with group therapy.
I am a stepmom and have struggled with the hard times and stresses of being the only woman in a house of men. I felt alone and quite often was the odd man out. Then I started my stepmom blog and poof out of nowhere come these nice, helpful women who are feeling the same things and struggling as I am. No longer was I alone.
I find myself waking up a bit earlier so that I visit some of my favorite blogs and see what they are up to. I keep in touch so to speak. And I reach out as well on my own blog.
I only take the paper on the weekends b/c I don’t have time to sit and read it. I don’t watch the news, it is just too negative. And blogging, keeps me abreast of the world events too. And the very gossipy celebrity news.
Every one is a critique and every one has a story. Both are riveting. And I love hearing how other people likd a movie, a restaurant or some where else I would like to go see or do.
I love the ease that comes with keeping my friends and family up to date on the happenings within my own family. We don’t always want to talk to each other and god knows how much it is to visit. My blog tells them how we are and even shows pictures as we grow.
The things that I love about blogging are limitless. And the negatives are few and far between – the nasty annonymous commenter and the weird people who pose and fool you into believing they are someone they are not.
Why do you blog? Love to hear from you.
Today I was in such a good mood I couldn’t wait to get home. I knew today was going to be a good day all around. I got home, gave my husband a big kiss and went in to my stepson’s room and said a big hello. Asked him how his day was . . .
“not good”
ME: Oh, I am sorry. What happened?
SS: I was looking at someone.
ME: Come again?
SS: I was looking at someone.
ME: During a test?
SS: No. During writing.
ME: Okay. Got a card?
SS: Yes.
ME: What happened?
SS: I was looking at C because he was talking and Mr. gave me a card. I was supposed to be writing and I was daydreaming.
ME: Oh. Bummer. Did you fill out your agenda and bring all your homework home?
SS: Yes.
ME: HEY!! Give me a high five. I am proud of you. So awesome!
Seriously, folks you win some and you lose some. But gosh darn it the kid finally did one thing we asked.
And today, that was SO good enough for me.
I went and had lunch with my stepson at school. I wasn’t sure I was going to go especially after I saw what they were having for lunch – chalupa or cheese crisp. lol It was as awful as I thought it would be. But the smile my ss gave me when we saw me made me feel like a million bucks.
He waited for me at the lunch door and then walked me in. He walked me through how it works and where the salad bar was – again not much to choose from. Surprisingly my ss chose quite a few carrots. We sat down among at least a hundred other kids and they proceeded to talk my hear off. It was great. My ss just sat there with this silly grin on his face. He was so cute. One girl gave him half her cookie. How sweet. Told me all about the two teachers who help out during lunch. The big day that the entire fourth grade got a card for some kids talking during lunch and they all got in trouble. Obviously made an impact because I thought all the kids were really good. Shock! There was a few boys who blew their bags up and popped them and then had to stay during recess.
I am so glad I went. It was great to be the fun mom, the good mom and the happy mom with the happy kid.
Did you ever just want to slap someone and yell, “Snap out of it!”
Welcome to my world.
I long for people who look you directly in the eye and tell you the truth. Yes, it hurts. But by god it is the truth and you know that there are no games, no mystery, no ploys or things to read into. Just the honest, I love you, truth.
TRUTH
Yes, truth is love to me. If you truly love someone you tell them the truth. And I don’t mean “the you ass is fat in those pants” truth, I mean the I am willing to spill my entire soul in front of you in hopes you will not walk on it. And if you do, I will still love you tomorrow.
If you screwed up, just tell me. If you knowingly made a decision and it turned out to be a bad one, okay so I will be pissed, but at least I know (and you know) that I will believe you.
TRUST
Trust is being able to tell someone (or hear someone) tell you exactly how they feel, think or believe and not a glimmer of doubt will enter your mind.
EARN IT
Nothing is free. Lie once, I will forgive you. Lie twice and I will not be made a fool of again. It will take more work than it may seem possible for me to beleive you and I will test you time and time again to see if you are an honest person or a liar.
Which are you?
I have decided to commit myself to an insane asylum and join a book club. Nowhere else can I sit in my bed and read all day without anyone bothering me. They will even give me drugs and if I decided for some reason to throw a tantrum they reward me with my very own padded room. This morning I can’t think of a better relaxing place.
Came home yesterday to hubby telling me that he had a quick conversation with my stepson’s teacher. Seems he is still not doing his work at school. Choosing to play and talk and just have a grand old time. And apparently he has other problems which I didn’t hear b/c I was so shocked to realize that this not working thing has been going on since the second week of school. Hello? Anyone listening? I will repeat it. For the last four months my stepson has been NOT DOING HIS WORK AT SCHOOL. And he is still alive. In fact he is not only alive and well, he is playing video games, meeting up with his friends, having sleepovers, and basically seeing the light of day. All the while lying away about school.
And this folks is exactly why it is so hard to be a stepmom. I have to step back and ignore what is going on. I have no say in how my stepson is raised, even though I do (often) give my (not wanted) opinion. I have to relinquish control of this kid who lives in the same house I do. AND IT IS KILLING ME! I am watching this kid go down in flames.
Let me give you another example of what I am dealing with.
The kid got grounded yesterday from everything basically until my husband decides he has a plan of action or gets tired of him being in trouble. My stepson sat and wrote for about a half hour why he is choosing not to do his work (my idea, how mean I know) and what he will chose to do in the future(hubby’s idea). We also talked at great length with him about how he feels and what is going on.
This morning I walked by his bedroom door and he was playing video games. HE IS NOT ALLOWED TO PLAY VIDEO GAMES! Not only was he not ready for school, but he is grounded. And he was doing it anyway. I am not shocked that he was actually misbehaving because he is a gambler now. Every time he does something he has a pretty good chance he will not get in trouble and if he doe, it usually isn’t bad enough to make him remember. In fact, I believe most of the time he is thinking, well that wasn’t so bad. But I could be wrong. I was so upset that he JUST DOESN’T CARE. He has no thought as to being in serious trouble and then blatantly doing something he knows he isn’t supposed to. I would have been beaten within an inch of my life if I had done that in my mother’s house.
Just the other night he got grounded from getting a card at school for something I can’t remember and yet my husband let him watch tv while we ate dinner. What did he learn? He learned that even though he gets a card, gets in trouble and gets gounded he will probably get to watch tv anyway. Good lesson.
I sit here in this house wondering what will happen next. How will my husband handle it? Or will he?
I want to step in and handle the situation because I am not afraid to be the mean mom. I know that as a parent I chose to be my kids compass and not his friend. My goal as a parent is for my kids to be successful in life. And I am willing to do just about anything to help them succeed.
And as a stepmom I have to let go of control. I have to let my husband handle it.
It is really hard to sit back and be in the crowd. But if I speak up I get in trouble. I turn in to the bad guy. No matter what happens.
I am kind of freakin’.
I went through all of the channels I could think of to help my niece and when no one would do anything I gave in and went to see my sister. I went knowing that someone may be contacting them. I had filed a report with CPS and the police.
I told my sister what my niece had told me, but left out the parts where I called CPS, the police and her counselor. I knew she would be enraged that I contacted them, but I did what I did because I wanted to protect my niece.My sister told me that my niece had never told her what had happened. Sadly, I know this is not true. My niece would never lie to me. I know she holds thing back because she is trying to protect us and her mother. It is a horrible situation for her to be in.
She called me this morning at work. She asked me to come over to her house after work. I asked her what was going on. She said nothing, she just wanted me to come over. I knew something was up. I told her I wouldn’t come over if she didn’t tell me what was going on. She repeated that nothing was going on and then proceeded to ask me tons of questions about the things I had told her the previous night. Then she asked me if I had told anyone else. I told her no, that I had asked my niece to tell our parents, but I wasn’t sure if she did. I asked her again why all the questions. She said just to come over. Then her husband started yelling in the background. I couldn’t hear what he was saying. Just that he was talking over her. She finally hung up on me when I continued to tell her I wouldn’t come over if she didn’t tell me what was going on.
I know that something is up. I am pretty sure someone contacted her or came over to investigate. But I am not sure. I could hear the anxiety in her voice.
She doesn’t know who I talked to and I am guessing my niece did not tell her she talked to the counselor at school. My guess is she is keeping quiet. Which I think is a good move on her part. But I worry about her. They could be grilling her and upsetting her. I just never know. I feel so bad for her. But I know I did the right thing. I know I was trying to protect her.
Now I just have to wait. And I think waiting is the worst. Not knowing what they will do. I kept expecting them to show up at my work and create a scene. But she never showed. All night I have been waiting for the doorbell to ring.
I told my husband what happened and he told me not to worry about it. I know this, but I can’t help but worry. I also told my mother what was going on. They both plan to play dumb and told me not to tell them I called CPS and the police. I know this is the best way to handle it. What they don’t know is better. But to be honest, they scare me. I just never know what they will do or say. You never know what someone will do when they are upset and doing drugs. I have all these crazy images running through my head. I have seen way too many real life movies. Ugh, the drama.
Hubby has really been taking an interest in family matters lately. Thank you.
Last night we played Uno until I thought I would lose my mind. Actually I think I did lose my mind. When he went out for groceries he came back with the new Uno and I couldn’t seem to get my head around the new picture and rules. It was the old game with a few new rules. And for some reason it was really hard for me. lol Didn’t keep me from winning a few rounds though.
And tonight he was on it with the homework. Very proud. What a man. Even made dinner. Although I suppose it helped that I informed him yesterday that I was officially off duty for dinner the next two nights (three if you count my stepson’s dinner night is Thursday this week). Just too tired. Need some down time. And those burgers were really good! Yum
We all had so much fun playing Uno that we have another round happening tonight. I am so gonna win!
When my niece was six months old, I held her for the first time. From the time she was nine months til six years of age we lived in the same house together. From six to nine she came and stayed with me at my apartment almost monthly. And since I got married, unfortunately I have seen less of her than I would like. Her life is a precarious situation.
Her mother (my sister) has lived with her new husband for a couple of years now. He has two children from his previous marriage that terrorize my niece. Sadly her mother sticks up for them. Constantly her stuff is being distroyed and her mother does nothing to stop them. In fact she yells at her daughter to play nicer. I know my sister and her husband do drugs. She has also recently been incarcerated. If my sister doesn’t feel like taking her to school, she stays home. This for a girl who loves school and is very good at it. My sister lives in a house with a guy that used to stalk her. I think he was the only one who would take them in after they had stolen and used everyone else. She wouldn’t leave my niece with my parents. Just recently one of her friends (that has also been in jail recently) came to live with them. So now living there is a guy, my sister, her husband and their two kids, and this girl, her husband and their four boys. In one house. Out of my mother’s bitterness she calls it the halfway house
My niece stays with my parents quite often, at least she used to before my sister went to jail. For awhile she was staying at my parent’s house during the week and then my sisters on the weekend, but quite often my sister would just not call to pick her up. She would just disappear for days. While my sister was in jail, my niece lived with my parents. As did I. She was so happy and peaceful. Her grades went up dramatically. She became the bubbly, over talkative and fun loving girl that she truly is. After my sister got out of jail, she wouldn’t let us see her very often. I think she gets scared that her daughter will leave her to live with one of us.
She is a wonderful little girl. She has always felt like my daughter too. I would love to have her. She is just a treat. She knows me inside and out as I feel I do her. When I am sad she knows to hug me. She knows what I am thinking before I say it out loud. She is constantly hugging me and telling me she misses me. Honestly our phone conversations are spent telling each other how much we miss the other. I know it is hard for her to live at that house. As more time passes she tells me less and less, maybe to spare me the details, maybe because she doesn’t want to talk about it when she is away from it.
So when she called to tell me she could spend the night, I was shocked and ecstatic at the same time.
We were sitting watching tv and she said she had a couple of cold sores. Now cold sore run in our family, but I had yet to see her get one. I looked and didn’t see anything. I asked her where. She said on the side of her mouth at the edges. I asked if anyone else at her house had one. She said Connor. I asked her who Connor was, one of the boys who live there.
ME: (jokingly) You haven’t been kissing any boys have you? She gets this wide eyed look on her face and tears come to her eyes. My heart stops.
I look directly into her eyes and ask, “Have you been having sex?” She starts to shake her head. I took her hand and led her in to my bedroom. There I sit her down and as her again. “Have you been having sex?” She shakes her head again. I said, “Honey, I know that look on your face. Please tell me what is going on.” Nothing she says. I repeat my question again. She says, “The boys tickle me all the time. I ask them to stop and they don’t.” I ask her where they tickle her. She looks at me and doesn’t answer. I ask again. She says on my private areas. I say, “You mean your boobs and down below, your crotch.” She says yes. My heart just stops. I am just in shock and already shaking. At that point my husband comes in the room and I ask him to sit down with us. She has always been very comfortable with my husband. She has told him numerous times she wishes she had a dad like him. I ask her to repeat what she told me to him. I need some time to breath. To think.
He asks if she has told her mother. She says, “Yes, mom yells at them to stop, but they don’t.”
I am just flabbergasted. I flooded with emotions. Anger. Hurt. Scare. Most of all I just want to protect her. Keep her safe. Make her feel like she doesn’t have to worry about everything. Have someone else take caer of her for a change.
We talk for awhile about protecting herself. To hit and kick and do whatever she has to do to make them stop and understand that what she is doing is right. Standing up for herself. It is okay to protect herself. And do not under any circumstances let someone else (especially her mother) tell her that what she is doing is wrong. I know my sister has told her to keep the peace before when she has stood up for herself. But this is a whole new ballgame.
When all is said and done, I can’t function. I can’t even breath. I want to go over there and take a baseball bat to those boys and all the people living there. I can not understand how this could be possible. I know that there is more my niece isn’t telling us. I know it. I just know her. And I can’t protect her. How the hell am I going to take her back to that house knowing she may get hurt again. Or worse.
My husband talks me down and has me wait to call my parents til the morning. But I don’t sleep a wink. I am up praying to God that she is safe.
When I speak to my parents in the morning they tell me to advise her to go to the school counselor and tell them. Hopefully they will get CPS involved. But it is not enough for me. I want to take her and hide.
I waited as long as I could to take her home. The whole ride home I counsel her to talk to the school and tell them. They can help. They won’t start a fight with your mom like when Nana or I talk to her. They will help. Don’t forget now, okay? I dropped her off and as I am leaving the two boys come around the corner and I almost come unglued. I cried the whole ride home. When I call my parents they said they are going to see if she can stay with them tonight. And she did.
But one more night. It is just one more night.
What if I am not able to protect her?
I can not even imagine the pain she must feel dealing with all she does. At 11 years old.
I just wish I could take her pain away and keep her safe forever.
I am so scared for her.
Saturday my stepson went to one of his friend’s houses for the better part of the day. They played, went to McDonald’s and the park. When they came home, I opened the door to be bombarded by two 9 year old boys whizzing past me. As they zoomed in the house his friend yells over his shoulder, “I want to see your house!” Uhm, sure go right ahead. His father was right behind them. He is a single parent. He looked like he was ready to pass out. Too much excitement, I think.
We talked, or tried to talk over the boys, about stuff going on. Apparently, he just started a new job which is really working him hard. He used to have a couple of weekdays off, but now with the new job has the weekends off. This kid has (uhm, had) a pet lizzard and when I enquired about it I was told, “It died because he felt he needed an all meat diet, even though he was informed that the lizard was a omnivore.” Bummer. I liked the lizard and am always considering getting our kid a pet. Another pet. Other than the two big dogs we currently have. Yes, I am crazy like that. I really need another animal to take care of like I need another hole in my head. That kind of killed any thoughts I had on the subject though. It would hurt me to have a pet die of unnatural causes in my house. I treat my animals like they are humans. And yes, I talk to them too.
I had to hunt down the kids when his father was ready to go, but just had to follow the constant screaming to find them. As they were leaving he asked if he could come over tomorrow. Uhm, crap. I used the old excuse, “We will have to talk to his dad and call you.”
A couple of minutes later my husband walks in the door and informs me the kid is coming over tomorrow. Damn. I knew I should have left my plans til Sunday. Instead I did all my running around Saturday so I could lounge around the rest of my two days off. Mid Sunday afternoon I was informed that the kid wasn’t home and therefor couldn’t come over. Bummer.
Lo and behold he was available Monday.
It was about two and a half glorious hours that the boys played really well in his room. A few minor yells. But nothing a little more volume on the tv won’t solve. I got up and made lunch about the time the noise level was hitting way too loud. After lunch, hubby kicked the boys outside to play with the dogs. I pulled them back in after watching our kid kick one of the dogs. From his point of view, he kicked him really lightly. Uhm, yeah we don’t do that in our house. So they went back to playing in the room with the occasional over the top screaming. Every fifteen minutes or so one of us has to herd them back in the room and reiterate the noise level. Later they went to a friend in the neighborhood’s house to play. Ah, sanity. It is a good thing. No guilt about sending to wild boys to someone else’s house to deal with. No guilt at all. lol
I noticed today that my kid in my house is always the issue kid. Does anyone else realize this? When kids come over to play they say please and thank you. They clean their dishes and fix their messes. I hear them reminding my son to be quiet. And when push comes to shove it is my son who gets the talking to. Hello, shouldn’t my kid be the good one? He is the one who knows all the house rules. He is the one who hears them repeated constantly. Little confusion.
But overall, a pretty good play date.
