When my niece was six months old, I held her for the first time. From the time she was nine months til six years of age we lived in the same house together. From six to nine she came and stayed with me at my apartment almost monthly. And since I got married, unfortunately I have seen less of her than I would like. Her life is a precarious situation.

Her mother (my sister) has lived with her new husband for a couple of years now. He has two children from his previous marriage that terrorize my niece. Sadly her mother sticks up for them. Constantly her stuff is being distroyed and her mother does nothing to stop them. In fact she yells at her daughter to play nicer. I know my sister and her husband do drugs. She has also recently been incarcerated. If my sister doesn’t feel like taking her to school, she stays home. This for a girl who loves school and is very good at it. My sister lives in a house with a guy that used to stalk her. I think he was the only one who would take them in after they had stolen and used everyone else. She wouldn’t leave my niece with my parents. Just recently one of her friends (that has also been in jail recently) came to live with them. So now living there is a guy, my sister, her husband and their two kids, and this girl, her husband and their four boys. In one house. Out of my mother’s bitterness she calls it the halfway house

My niece stays with my parents quite often, at least she used to before my sister went to jail. For awhile she was staying at my parent’s house during the week and then my sisters on the weekend, but quite often my sister would just not call to pick her up. She would just disappear for days. While my sister was in jail, my niece lived with my parents. As did I. She was so happy and peaceful. Her grades went up dramatically. She became the bubbly, over talkative and fun loving girl that she truly is. After my sister got out of jail, she wouldn’t let us see her very often. I think she gets scared that her daughter will leave her to live with one of us.

She is a wonderful little girl. She has always felt like my daughter too. I would love to have her. She is just a treat. She knows me inside and out as I feel I do her. When I am sad she knows to hug me. She knows what I am thinking before I say it out loud. She is constantly hugging me and telling me she misses me. Honestly our phone conversations are spent telling each other how much we miss the other. I know it is hard for her to live at that house. As more time passes she tells me less and less, maybe to spare me the details, maybe because she doesn’t want to talk about it when she is away from it.

So when she called to tell me she could spend the night, I was shocked and ecstatic at the same time.

We were sitting watching tv and she said she had a couple of cold sores. Now cold sore run in our family, but I had yet to see her get one. I looked and didn’t see anything. I asked her where. She said on the side of her mouth at the edges. I asked if anyone else at her house had one. She said Connor. I asked her who Connor was, one of the boys who live there.

ME: (jokingly) You haven’t been kissing any boys have you? She gets this wide eyed look on her face and tears come to her eyes. My heart stops.

I look directly into her eyes and ask, “Have you been having sex?” She starts to shake her head. I took her hand and led her in to my bedroom. There I sit her down and as her again. “Have you been having sex?” She shakes her head again. I said, “Honey, I know that look on your face. Please tell me what is going on.” Nothing she says. I repeat my question again. She says, “The boys tickle me all the time. I ask them to stop and they don’t.” I ask her where they tickle her. She looks at me and doesn’t answer. I ask again. She says on my private areas. I say, “You mean your boobs and down below, your crotch.” She says yes. My heart just stops. I am just in shock and already shaking. At that point my husband comes in the room and I ask him to sit down with us. She has always been very comfortable with my husband. She has told him numerous times she wishes she had a dad like him. I ask her to repeat what she told me to him. I need some time to breath. To think.

He asks if she has told her mother. She says, “Yes, mom yells at them to stop, but they don’t.”

I am just flabbergasted. I flooded with emotions. Anger. Hurt. Scare. Most of all I just want to protect her. Keep her safe. Make her feel like she doesn’t have to worry about everything. Have someone else take caer of her for a change.

We talk for awhile about protecting herself. To hit and kick and do whatever she has to do to make them stop and understand that what she is doing is right. Standing up for herself. It is okay to protect herself. And do not under any circumstances let someone else (especially her mother) tell her that what she is doing is wrong. I know my sister has told her to keep the peace before when she has stood up for herself. But this is a whole new ballgame.

When all is said and done, I can’t function. I can’t even breath. I want to go over there and take a baseball bat to those boys and all the people living there. I can not understand how this could be possible. I know that there is more my niece isn’t telling us. I know it. I just know her. And I can’t protect her. How the hell am I going to take her back to that house knowing she may get hurt again. Or worse.

My husband talks me down and has me wait to call my parents til the morning. But I don’t sleep a wink. I am up praying to God that she is safe.

When I speak to my parents in the morning they tell me to advise her to go to the school counselor and tell them. Hopefully they will get CPS involved. But it is not enough for me. I want to take her and hide.

I waited as long as I could to take her home. The whole ride home I counsel her to talk to the school and tell them. They can help. They won’t start a fight with your mom like when Nana or I talk to her. They will help. Don’t forget now, okay? I dropped her off and as I am leaving the two boys come around the corner and I almost come unglued. I cried the whole ride home. When I call my parents they said they are going to see if she can stay with them tonight. And she did.

But one more night. It is just one more night.

What if I am not able to protect her?

I can not even imagine the pain she must feel dealing with all she does. At 11 years old.

I just wish I could take her pain away and keep her safe forever.

I am so scared for her.