I have decided to commit myself to an insane asylum and join a book club. Nowhere else can I sit in my bed and read all day without anyone bothering me. They will even give me drugs and if I decided for some reason to throw a tantrum they reward me with my very own padded room. This morning I can’t think of a better relaxing place.
Came home yesterday to hubby telling me that he had a quick conversation with my stepson’s teacher. Seems he is still not doing his work at school. Choosing to play and talk and just have a grand old time. And apparently he has other problems which I didn’t hear b/c I was so shocked to realize that this not working thing has been going on since the second week of school. Hello? Anyone listening? I will repeat it. For the last four months my stepson has been NOT DOING HIS WORK AT SCHOOL. And he is still alive. In fact he is not only alive and well, he is playing video games, meeting up with his friends, having sleepovers, and basically seeing the light of day. All the while lying away about school.
And this folks is exactly why it is so hard to be a stepmom. I have to step back and ignore what is going on. I have no say in how my stepson is raised, even though I do (often) give my (not wanted) opinion. I have to relinquish control of this kid who lives in the same house I do. AND IT IS KILLING ME! I am watching this kid go down in flames.
Let me give you another example of what I am dealing with.
The kid got grounded yesterday from everything basically until my husband decides he has a plan of action or gets tired of him being in trouble. My stepson sat and wrote for about a half hour why he is choosing not to do his work (my idea, how mean I know) and what he will chose to do in the future(hubby’s idea). We also talked at great length with him about how he feels and what is going on.
This morning I walked by his bedroom door and he was playing video games. HE IS NOT ALLOWED TO PLAY VIDEO GAMES! Not only was he not ready for school, but he is grounded. And he was doing it anyway. I am not shocked that he was actually misbehaving because he is a gambler now. Every time he does something he has a pretty good chance he will not get in trouble and if he doe, it usually isn’t bad enough to make him remember. In fact, I believe most of the time he is thinking, well that wasn’t so bad. But I could be wrong. I was so upset that he JUST DOESN’T CARE. He has no thought as to being in serious trouble and then blatantly doing something he knows he isn’t supposed to. I would have been beaten within an inch of my life if I had done that in my mother’s house.
Just the other night he got grounded from getting a card at school for something I can’t remember and yet my husband let him watch tv while we ate dinner. What did he learn? He learned that even though he gets a card, gets in trouble and gets gounded he will probably get to watch tv anyway. Good lesson.
I sit here in this house wondering what will happen next. How will my husband handle it? Or will he?
I want to step in and handle the situation because I am not afraid to be the mean mom. I know that as a parent I chose to be my kids compass and not his friend. My goal as a parent is for my kids to be successful in life. And I am willing to do just about anything to help them succeed.
And as a stepmom I have to let go of control. I have to let my husband handle it.
It is really hard to sit back and be in the crowd. But if I speak up I get in trouble. I turn in to the bad guy. No matter what happens.
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January 26, 2008 at 9:09 am
stepmama drama
I used to think I had no say. And then I realized M wanted me to voice my opinion. He needed ideas. And that was when action started happening. As you know C lives with his mom most of the year. That doesn’t mean I can’t get involved (evil laugh) and believe me, I DO! We flew down to TX two years ago and met with C’s kindergarten teacher. It was there that we discovered that he should have been held back. Well, sadly we didn’t have say in that situation. I did however email the teacher’s weekly for reports on C’s progress. He barely passed kindergarten. The same happened in 1st grade. Actually in 1st grade he wasn’t doing any of his work, he was too busy talking, showing off, etc. In fact he also has a temper and was suspended twice. One time involved throwing something at his teacher’s face. Had it not been for emailing the teacher regularly we would never have found out (X never told us and still doesn’t know we know about it.) a few months later we recieved an official letter from the principal telling us he was suspended again for something he did in the cafeteria and C needed to be talked to about the situation.
This year he was failing math. By November his teacher still hadn’t met C’s mom. She had only met us. We had to stick to our guns and told him if his grades weren’t up by Christmas break he would be grounded the entire break. Because I have a history of sticking to my guns he knew he had to get his butt in gear. And he did. But it took me getting on the phone every other night or so and drilling him about school. It made a difference. M didn’t make the calls, I did. I’m a control freak.
January 26, 2008 at 3:18 pm
Heidi
Every time I open my mouth I get yelled at and we end up in a fight for days. My husband doesn’t want me to tell him how I feel or what I would do and I have tried numerous different ways of approaching it. He kind of approaches things in an out of sight out of mind way. And when I bring it up it is just making it more apparent that things are going wrong. I don’t know. Just frustrating.
January 26, 2008 at 4:54 pm
clevergrl
As a stepmom you may not have control over parenting decisions, but as a member of the household you live in, you have control over what happens in your house.
I’m confused about how you ‘get in trouble’. Funny way of wording it, I think. Disagreeing with your husband is just that, he doesn’t decide whether you are ‘in trouble’ or not.
February 3, 2008 at 4:43 am
jp
Stepfather here….. I have to ask, “Why do you have no say?”
I’m currently separated from my wife and her two children. Things have not gone as planned in my role as stepparent and I would advise anyone thinking of the role to be very cautious.
When we married, I took command of the house, perhaps lording it a bit too much at times over the stepkids, but if a child lives under the roof I provide then I have a say in what goes on in the house. The kids resented it at times but since they did not pay me or their mother room or board I saw little relevance to their grumbling. We attempted to be cohesive in our parenting decisions and my wife submitted to my authority in the house pertaining to the discipline of the kids. That eroded in later years as the children’s behavior became more serious as it does with teens.
But, I would take issue with your perception about not having a say. Throw the video game in the dumpster. Without warning. The child is blatantly challenging you and his father…. and winning. And he knows it. However, if your husband cannot give you the reigns when he is not at home, you have a serious issue on your hands. If I had to wait for my wife to get home to deal with the kids in years past, then what real role did I play? ‘Hey kids.. I’ll feed ya… I’ll clothe ya… I’ll drive you where you want to go….. and then you can just walk all over me!’ What fun!
Sorry to vent but my stepson was identical. He did almost nothing in school. Classic case of ADD is what the doc said. Whatever… he still chose to act out and then whine when the hammer came down. And when my wife chose to water down the punishment, that was the undoing. You and your husband need to be together on these things, but you still must be seen as an authority in the house. Good luck!