Hubby and I got in a HUGE argument last night, that ended with going to bed angry and not talking to each other. Sigh.
I am frustrated beyond belief and it has slowly been building over the last couple of weeks. I have tried talking to my husband on numerous occasions, but each time he tells me he doesn’t want to talk about it right now.
WHY do I care about a child whose own parents don’t even care? see quote on my other blog – perfect example of how I feel
His bm doesn’t call, doesn’t send cards, doesn’t call back, doesn’t visit, doesn’t pay child support. Nothing. Except when my husband offers to pay to get him there because he never wants to stand in the way of him seeing his mother. He won’t fill out the paperwork because she may go to jail. Meanwhile we struggle sometimes to pay our bills and we can’t do a lot of the extra stuff that my stepson wants to do. That money would be helpful, at least putting it in a trust fund for the kid. But NO he won’t do it.
His dad (my husband) doesn’t buy him pants during winter (he has 4 pairs), doesn’t sit down with him and work with him on his homework, doesn’t make sure he gets to bed ontime, doesn’t make sure he has his homework or lunch for school, doesn’t consistently let him know what is going on and how it will work, doesn’t spend quality time with him.
My stepson is really lucky too because each time he choses not to do something or gets in trouble he has a really good chance of not getting in trouble. If he does get in trouble, he has an even better chance of the punishment not sticking. Hubby just doesn’t want to be the bad guy. He doesn’t have the time or the attention. The kid can’t see past the afternoon and if he can play video games, he is happy whether or not he passes the 4th grade.
Then there is me. I think school should be #1 in this kids life. It is pretty much why he exists (according to me). If he is not doing well (which he isn’t) that means we need to spend more time with him actually doing homework, practicing and basically just supporting him when he is struggling. The kid cannot remember anything after a minute or two. He needs a father who reminds him to bring his lunch, pack his bag, wear his jacket, get enough sleep, etc. And then attitude comes next. The disrespect and constant arguing is completely unacceptable to me. I am tired of it. We need to stop him immediately when he is rude or argumentative and ask him to soften his voice and if he doesn’t then we take other measures. But just CONSISTENTLY bringing the attitude and arguing to his attention should make it go away. And I bear the brunt of it. I am the easy target.
I think it is the parent’s job to help the child see the things he cannot. It is the parent’s job to help this child grow into a good adult. And the product of the parent’s effort is seen every day in the child.
And I am tired. I am tired of arguing with him and he doesn’t stop til you walk away or get in his face. I am tired of spending my time working on homework and schoolwork only to turn around and see my husband chosing to watch tv/play with his airplane while I work with his son. I am tired of spending my hard earned money to buy this kid clothes, lunch food and other stuff when his own mother and father won’t do the same. In fact, I want to tell my husband none of my income will go towards anything but me because tha is what is ex-wife is doing and he doesn’t care. Why would he care if his own wife would do the same?
WHAT AM I DOING THIS FOR???? Why am I driving myself nuts over helping this kid?
Which leads my heart and mind to wonder what the hell I doing with this man? And I hate it when I feel so defeated that I am questioning my marriage. It is a horrible feeling. But if this was my kid, things would be so different. BUT IT ISN’T.
I keep thinking that the only way I can survive in this house is to care less than my husband cares. And that is not me. I might as well kiss my marriage goodbye. In ten years, I wouldn’t recognize myself. I know I would not be true to myself.
I care way too much. And it hurts. And I allow myself to feel the anguish. It is so hard to be tough and not be affected by what goes on in my own home.
I am so frustrated right now. I don’t want to be the “wait til mom gets home” mother. I don’t want to be the “hurry she on the way we need to look like we did what she asked” mother. (which happened last Sunday) I don’t want to be the “if mom checks it I will have to do it correctly” mother. I don’t want to be the “eat your vegetables” mother.
Why can’t I be the fun one? Why can’t I be the break all the rules mom? Why? Why? Why?
Ugh, sorry. Kind of losing it.
Feels like I am living with a weekend dad, holiday mom and a kid who just doesn’t see reality. And I am the only adult in the house. And yet, I have no control, no say. I just have to sit back and bide my time while my husband and stepson do everything they can to slide through life.
bitching over
for now
4 comments
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February 8, 2008 at 3:49 am
jp
I think you should read John Rosemonds work. His approach to parenting is common sense, no frills and I wish I had known about him when I married and took on 2 stepkids. But, you will not get real far if your husband is not cooperating but you can certainly address the respect issues with the stepson since sometimes his advice is for the relative who might have a child temporarily. I hate where you are, for you. I’ve been in that boat for the last several years with my own wife. She certainly cares for her kids, she clothes them, feeds them, gets them to the doctor but she drops the ball on common sense parenting when it comes to discipline, which makes me look foolish. She has no backbone for the tough things regarding her troubled teenage kids… and they have plenty of trouble.
There is no sliver bullet. Your son sounds like a carbon copy of my ADD riddled stepson. I became his stepfather when he was in 2nd grade and I was there for many homework sessions after his mom had given up…. she lost patience. I ‘feel your pain’ in that arena!
February 8, 2008 at 6:04 am
Heidi
Thank you for your comment. I will look Rosemonds up. I picture what it will be like when he is a teenager, with drugs, peer pressure and so much more responsibility and then I picture living with him and maybe raising our children too. And I shudder.
I don’t feel he has giving up. But maybe, i don’t know. I think hubby either doesn’t want to give up his own time (sacrifice) and/or he just doesn’t want to be the heavy. When his ex-wife split, she was letting the kid sleep in her bed and she gave him whatever. He then became the bad guy. And from them on out he changed – or so I hear. I am pretty black and white, he is all grey area. So it is hard for me to adopt his way, but I have compromised so many times, I am wondering when he will step up and start being responsible. It sucks, but being a parent means sacrifice. I just wonder if he will ever step up or if this is really how he is. And knowing that it may be just who he is, I know that I cannot live with him. I need more.
I just go back and forth. How much am I willing to give up to be with my husband?
June 22, 2008 at 12:31 am
Shannon
I am in such a similar place with my husband and 11 year old stepdaughter… except we have 2 boys of our own (4 & 3 months). BM doesn’t care AT ALL, BD (my husband) doesn’t like to be the bad guy-so I am the evil stepmom.
September 11, 2008 at 7:18 pm
Kudzu
I can comisserate with you. My husband has no clue what the kids need or require. I swear he’s in a twilight zone. BM is a total loon. I stress out constantly over the entire situation. To the point that I’ve been considering divorce because I’m spending my life stressed out over SOMEONE ELSE’S three children that they themselves do not seem to care about. But then I wonder what would happen to them if I left.